i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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