His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
