god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
