You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
not ubering you a puppy
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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