i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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