you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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