You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Farmville is her only friend.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
