I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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