we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize