a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
