Can Purell be used as lube?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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