So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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