I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
