I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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