Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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