Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize