i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
the liver wants what the liver wants
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
