this boner is exhausting
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
