I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize