You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
