i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
