i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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