I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
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