I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize