I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I love you. Go after that dick
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
