You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
