i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
