I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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