I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
