you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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