why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Someone signed my nipple.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
