Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
