I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
