she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize