I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
