The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
