Michael Bay diarrhea
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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