Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
