I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
