The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
