Yo dont text me then not text me
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
