Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Found your dick twin last night
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Randomize
