I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
