Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
