you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize