I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
