just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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