It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Girls should come with a carfax report
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
That was before I lit my hair on fire
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
