I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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