All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
