her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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