I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
