This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
