wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
