sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
