I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
