I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
