it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
