Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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