The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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