cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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